Grief is a sneaky, creeping thing.
Emotionally, I can’t seem to get a handle on this journey at this very moment. Some days are fine, I am filled with gratitude, full of joy and meet others in delight. Most days I am so busy, so very very busy, and stressed, and overwhelmed. I can plan things now because I am not stricken with exhaustion or hindered by doctor appointments, so I plan all the things. In a single day. I think I am trying to make up for the perceived lost time, the lost career opportunities and work.
You can tell me that there is nothing to make up for, somewhere in my being I know that and I am on a treadmill I can’t get off at this moment. During the process of loss and sickness, I didn’t feel shame or failure and I renounced these concepts around miscarriage. I can’t seem to help it, I am feeling them now. So I keeping busy and working double time, it’s just how I am doing life at this moment. Or am I running away? I could be, a therapist might say so. A therapist might say this is not the way to process all I have been through, but this is how it is going.
Can grief sneak in more quietly when there is stillness and space? I don't know, but space doesn't fit in my calendar, the reminders to take it keep disappearing and it dissolves at the slightest touch.
Yet, heartache, heartache grabs me from behind on a smell; it catches me off-guard at a phrase; it stops me in certain places. A doctors appointment, while filling out new patient paperwork: two pregnancies, zero live births. Everything floods back in and I am off kilter for a time. Waves of anger, those catch me by surprise, lately it seems I just get angry about nothing at all. Then I stew in that emotion getting red, trying to pick a fight with my husband. Inevitably, he doesn’t let me because I told him I was angry to begin with. The only thing left is to take the dog on a long walk. Can I admit I experience jealousy? Melancholy? These are the most fleeting, but I resist and struggle against these two emotions most and I am not ready to admit that yet.
The practice, my work right now is to stay present while life goes on, staying grateful for the thousand little miracles every single day rather than slopping in the trenches of the mundane or holding onto what could have been. I am in the flow and this fast moving river is taking me places I never imagined.